Emma Watson should be this year’s
commencement speaker.
For starters, we’d get two people for the
price of one: a famous actress and, more importantly, Hermione Granger. It’s
like inviting Dr. Jekyll, if he were drop-dead gorgeous, and if Mr. Hyde were
my magical dream woman.
Ms. Watson also fits perfectly with the
values of Hillsdale College. On the academic side, she got straight “A’s” in
high school, was essentially homeschooled by tutors on the set of the Harry
Potter films, and later studied literature at Brown and Oxford—where she was,
of course, accepted based solely on her academic accomplishments. Hermione
Granger is also an excellent student, and received the only “E” of her Hogwarts
career (that’s an “A-” on the 4.0 scale) in Defense Against the Dark Arts,
which is kind of a guys’ subject anyway.
She is even more suited for those in
Hillsdale’s success-driven, career-oriented camp. At age 22, Ms. Watson is
one of the world’s most recognizable models and actresses and is worth an
estimated $40 million. Hermione Granger, meanwhile, has helped save the world
seven or eight times, depending on how you count it.
Besides sharing a common vision, there is
so much Ms. Watson could teach us. After working as the face of Burberry and Lancôme, she helped design a Fair Trade fashion
line called People Tree. We at Hillsdale like fashion, but we’re sheltered, and
we have questions. Is it cool to wear running shoes with my polo and khakis? Can
I wear poofy boots with my chunky wool sweater and spandex tights, or is it
classier to stick with heels? What’s with dudes rolling their pants up above
their socks these days, and is it ok to unroll them now that it’s freezing
cold? She can sympathize, because Hermione was frizzy-haired and
nerdy until Prisoner of Azkaban.
Then there’s the nature of commencement
itself. One of your classmates, whom you just want to get away from after four
years, exhorts you to remember all the wonderful experiences you supposedly
shared. Then a professor from someone else’s college gets up and urges you to
live your lives remembering the experiences he definitely never shared. Then, for two
hours, you sit on hard foldout chairs watching people all wearing the same
thing walk across a stage. You get sore and hot and sleepy, and there’s no
coffee. But what if, instead of Dr. SoAndSo, you knew that she was about to stand up and look out over the crowd? What if you
knew that everyone else in the room would just melt away, and she’d be talking
to you alone in that huge converted gym, telling you to make something of
yourself, to seize the moment and make her proud? And then she’d pull out her
broomstick, and you’d hold onto her tight because Hermione was always terrible
at flying, and you’d soar off toward London while the wind streamed her hair
back into your face. And—
Sorry. The real reason for recommending
Ms. Watson is that she is a stellar academic and businesswoman who deeply believes
in a liberal arts education. I hear she is a staunch neo-con, a passionate
pro-life activist, and a loyal Imprimis reader. She was once asked to leave the
London Public Library for “exercising [her] Second Amendment rights” by packing
a Colt .45 in plain sight while checking out Aristotle’s Ethics. Her $40 million could still be taking care of our endowment
70 years after her fellow donors are dead. More importantly, she could help
save America if she met the 2032 Republican presidential nominee at
commencement. Because every president needs a classy British wife to fuel his
campaign. Just ask Dr. Arnn.
Hysterical.
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